Woman carrying luggage accompanied...

This is one of these evenings when you want to do so much, but you are doing absolutely nothing at all. You put your headphones on your ears and make some sandwiches for the dinner. Oh… you could hear the birds outside the window but you rather listen how Lily Allen sings about miscellaneous love and mistreated emotions.

Today we walked through the cemetery where my beloved grand-grandmother sleeps. You took me by my hand and I didn’t cry at all.

Then we walked towards coffee shop and you bought me a black coffee. Alas…you pulled on my heartstrings and I couldn’t resist hugging you with all my strength.

Then we said goodbye to each other and …oh. I love you, mum.

Agnes. 

on a trial.

I am on the train scrutinizing people faces seamed with the present worries and I wish I could escape from that grey despondency. The air laden with the smell of breakout and despair sigh. Somehow I am one of them and my heart starts to beat more rapidly. And in the end of the trip they may be very happy people. But where do I stand?

At that same moment I wrapped myself in serenity as if I was wrapping myself in a blanket. I imagined myself as a clay being shaped and moulded on the potter’s wheel. I was longing for you to touch the crude material and make something fine-looking out of it. I wish I wouldn’t be so attracted by your seminal singularity, because, oh God, there is nothing worse than maintaining neutrality. It makes me insanely mad. I am not a wall you are passing by. I am the human being and I need to feel.

I give up, take my pride and go away. You know where to find me, dear.

Agnes. 

The river rolls under.

I have lived through the most encouraging and wonderful night. You were in my dream more real than ever before and I could smell the haste of wind in your hair.

Just imagine two of us standing so near that I can barely close my eyes without tickling your cheek with my eyelashes.  I am terrified to touch your hand, but you start to laugh and I blush when you embrace my stature.

I can feel a cotton shirt against my bare shoulder and warm gooseflesh takes over my body when you lean to kiss my lips.

Either tonight or tomorrow, darling, just come whenever you feel like to.

Agnes. 

go.

It’s a day when I don’t rush to finish my breakfast and I don’t feel like time has been my friend. Coffee still has its own smell of melancholy and daily newspaper has emptiness on its cover. There is a blank page on my mind and I am sitting in the front of the computer already for a silent while, my thoughts flutter around your stunning sound but my body rather stays still. I am wondering…You have never let me down. My expectations though but not me, oh pardon for being so selfish…for longing to have you just for myself. Desiring us being together without anyone else in your thoughts, but I can’t have something that doesn’t belong to anyone and you are free…

I wish I could forget your eye look before you said to me goodbye.

But lately…I rather feel down than miss that bittersweet echo of yours. I rather cry inside than kill my inner love and care for you. I rather sound silly and childish than keep my pride and turn over.

I beg you to be happy, because you are so special.

Agnes. 

unseen are eternal.

Your patience is killing me gently and thousands of thoughts run through my mind. That night I put my very best red lipstick and noteworthy high heels imprisoned my legs. I wished to be seen as a young, sensible woman what I modestly consider myself and for you to take the guidance seducing me with your charming manners.

Meanwhile a merriment, dances and lovely youngsters enjoying themselves, I was leaned against the wall holding my knees and looking cheerfulness passing me by. I just couldn’t get closer to you and it made me suffer highly. Every time you were with someone else my heart were filled with a tarry fluid. I felt it so overpowering that I went outside for the sweet poison of a careless being alone. My inner senses yelled for the understanding, but no one could better help me as an acceptance, you can’t always get what you want but you might someday get what you need.

A cold air froze my solitude and I blew it away within the smoke which went straight to the heaven.

God bless you, darling.

Agnes. 

We are closer than ever, still being a part but breathing the same air of persuasion.

I trust you.

I can feel you presence still not seeing your face, I can taste your confidence not hearing your voice.

At the moment I am living through changes, I eat porridge at my breakfast, hear radio during my afternoon lunch, have a walk around the city and at the evening I wait for someone to switch off the lights ….

 I rather live like that keeping on my mind that life is still ahead. There are these NOT ALWAYS happy-go –lucky moments….but then I remember how you give me a sarcastic look and put your palm on my shoulder. Give me hug and I...oh, I feel so ashamed. I just wish for you to be here. 

Agnes.

Sunday.

Mornings with a slight delay and a mild happiness goes somewhere within it. I opened my eyes and felt that a white hope had become a swirling torrent.  Smell of just cooked pancakes took my thoughts away and I dressed my morning grown to join peaceful conversation among the dearest.

I have tried to leap over and go under but still I am just a human being. My morning coffee is always black as a cobbler’s wax and perfume smells like roses. I refuse to wear another lipstick than traffic red and my scarf will always be a messed up nest for the face to find a shelter when a cold comes over.

I don’t quite enjoy the poetry but I have the dignity and bracing position. I am delighted to watch people doing and I care to help. I am one of you, guys.

P.s...Writing has always had a special place in my affections.Everyone has it's own enjoyment, I am glad I have found mine. 

Agnes. 

everything was arranged beforehand

I am sailing perilously close to the wind, but we all have different parts to play, and we must all be allowed to play them. Either way I won’t stop smiling thinking of you and I won’t stop digging deeper for your dignity.  I think very highly of you and all my thoughts go around a peaceful evening with a magnitude cup of tea. Do you enjoy chamomile?

They say that we all carry scars inside or outside and I wish it wouldn’t be true, but indeed we do. It doesn’t frighten me that you are not all perfect and settled down. Life’s altered you, as it’s altered me. Just a communication would be greatly appreciated, but you don’t speak, you just go on.

I have my plans and they surely involve your presence, but, darling, I am not everlasting. I am just a very determined person who wants a bit of love.

Agnes.